"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well."
Psalm 139:14
Being Honest
I, for the longest time, have been wanting to talk about this but for some reason, maybe I was afraid of being judged, I don't know, but I was afraid to. I have started posts and then deleted or erased them but now, it's time to come out. I have come out a little bit on Instagram about it but have never really gone into the full discussion until a few weeks ago on the YouVersion app. I wrote all about it in a note and made that note public but I don't know if anyone read it. Anyway, we are going to talk about a problem I had and how I won the battle. The problem was depression. I realized, after a few years, actually, that I needed help and that I was only human and couldn't fight this alone.
This is not a story of my Salvation. I was saved before this. I also haven’t ever opened up fully about this particular battle.
Coming Clean
As I said, for years I struggled with depression. Day after day, I allowed the enemy to win as I believed the lies he told me. I felt angry at myself for listening to him and I was sad for allowing myself to see the lies he told. I cried myself to sleep night after night and hardly left my room. When I did, I put on a mask so no one would see my pain. I spent nights praying that God would show me the love He has that He always talked about. But the enemy won over my prayer life every time.
I began to wonder if God cared enough to listen. I had to admit to myself, after denying my depression was even a problem, I needed help--the only kind of help God could supply. The enemy got me to completely hate myself and my life, wishing it would end and be over. BUT the writer of Hebrews had a different story-the truth.
Not Today
Hebrews 13:5b-6 says, “For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we may boldly say, “The Lord is my helper, I WILL NOT FEAR. What can man do to me.”
Brokenness opens a path to obedience and Ephesians 6:10-20 taught me how to fight back. In walked a lamb; out walked a lion, quiet as a mouse to go unnoticed until the final blow roaring with confidence and without fear, able to tell Satan,
“NOT. TODAY.”
My faith was repaired and stronger than ever. Later, I was finally Baptized and able to declare to Satan, “You messed with the wrong girl.”
Days and nights were hard. Then, Jesus spoke to me through the word and the battle was won. I still am fighting the enemy, defending what's mine; all the joy and love I deserve to have and give, but it's easier. The devil still messes with me time and time again but he carries the burden of failure every time. You think he'd realize he's going to lose.